Hey old-timer, how are you feeling? I heard you turned a century the other day and I thought maybe I could cheer you up. After all, not everyone makes it to a hundred and I’m sure all the young whippersnappers are having a hoot just razzing the old man. I bet you need some cheer as much as you need a glass of prune juice and a bowl of oatmeal so here I am and here’s my letter.

I was not planning on writing a “remember when…” letter but at your big one-zero-zero you may need as much help remembering as you can get. Of course I’m ever-willing to help. Let’s start with your birth. Normally I would include a picture but at the time, photography wasn’t invented yet. Someone did manage to have an early painting done on a cave wall or rock slab but people have since excavated and demolished the site to build a strip mall with a Starbucks. I heard the painter made you look like Beldar from The Coneheads so it must not have been a flattering portrait anyway.

Remember when…of course you don’t. Even if you did, you would deny it. Let’s just say “A Whole New World” and “Friend Like Me” are forever etched in my spine because that infernal “Sing Along” video was the only thing that would shut you up. That’s right, Abu — Sebastian and Flounder were your best friends. Now everytime I hear “I can show you the world” I think “I should give you the finger” but I keep forgetting.

Then there were those mighty morphine power rangers. You remember, right? They were weak wimpy “teenagers” who face adversity by shouting their drug-dependency creed “It’s morphine time!!!” after which they would have hallucinations of giant wild beasts and such. It was barely watchable but apparently you enjoyed it. No, He-Man is NOT gay. While I’m at it, look up “Legends of the Hidden Temple.” There’s no accounting for taste.

While on the subject of taste, I had to endure through Hanson because of you. You know, that home-schooled all-girl band you couldn’t stop listening to. Thankfully they showed up on the scene, got overhyped, and in an mmmm-bop, they’re not there. Sometimes there IS justice in the world.

Then there was your short-lived pitching career. Remember that one? You hit three batters and walked a few more…and that was just the seventh inning. Who am I kidding? You were good. For someone who didn’t follow the game much, you had a deep understanding of what goes on. You had a great work ethic and you played the game with passion and enthusiasm that would put a third of the major leaguers to shame.

You are a quick learner and a great reader. Your numerous academic achievements are a testament to your intellect. Of all the idiots I’ve met (and believe me, I’ve met quite a few), you’re up there in terms of intelligence. From your last homework assignment they stuck on the fridge, it appears you can write full sentences now. “I are good wryter” needs some work, though. Run a grammar check next time.

Speaking of grammar check, your computer literacy rivals that of the average AOLer. You can “lol” and “cu l8r” with the best of them. You even told stories about being a pretend hacker with a pretend laptop on a pretend network. You even forgot the pretend details about the pretend portscan you did on the pretend server that had a pretend vulnerability which you pretend exploited. I suppose we could both pretend. Neither of us can hack our way out of a wet paper bag with a ginsu and a HOWTO manual.

After all that, you’re a good man, old timer. The balance of cynicism and wit means the Sarcastron 2000 is safe for another generation. Your wisdom, while above average for your age, will continue to grow, and hopefully equal or surpass your intelligence. You are no longer just a clone, young Fett, but an entirely different entity. (uh huh huh, I said ti…uh, nevermind). In the next few years, you will know EVERYTHING, only to later find out that you know NOTHING. Keep that in mind. You are good, you are Godly, and you are going in the right direction. Oh, and your slapshot sucks.