Lagumbay.com Reflections on Love, Rage, and Fear

I can’t say I know who I am anymore.  At one point, I was defined by
my sorrows, but that got old after a while.  I also described myself through
the food I ate, the clothes I wore, the television shows I watched, the music
I listened to, and the friends I had.  Then it was job title, religious
affiliation, operating system, and video game genres.  It was an Easton
composite with a Jagr blade and Bauer skates.  It was Basic, Pascal,
Javascript, Ada, Coldfusion, PHP, and Python.  It was General Ed.,
Mathematics, and Liberal Arts.  I was Eberlin, Gunther, Cameron,
Gaston, and Pierre.  I defined myself by the things I knew and
loved.  Then by things I did not know or hated.  I was defined by perception,
a spark of discontent borderlined rebellion.  I was evil personified
diluted by rent, car payments, groceries and various social and moral
obligations.  It was the teens, twenties, and thirties.  It is looking
at the world through borrowed eyes and wondering what the hell?
It is the fear that seventeen is coming back to an unfamiliar
mountain ledge.  It is resentment over being The Good Soldier and the
ridiculous absolution in the term “free will.”  It is the fact that
I am running out of excuses for this humanity, regaining disdain
for what it has become, and the hopelessness of its unenlightened future.
Yes, I am human, but there are times like today that I wonder why.
I wiggle my thumbs, I watch us destroy nations, then I hug my cat.
I don’t think I need thumbs for that.