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Archive for March, 2011

How To Peel An Object-Oriented Orange

Posted by Allan in Prose on March 28, 2011 6:38 pm

First you instantiate a Person class which in turn extends a Primate class which implements, among other methods, MoveThumb().  Assuming that this instance of Person we’ll call bob successfully tries procuring a fruit object of type Orange by passing an Intent to another Person class whose Occupation property is defined as “fruit vendor” along with the necessary funds (and since bob used a debit card, required interaction with an instance of a Bank object which returned an Authorization object to the fruit vendor’s Cash Register Object which for the purposes of this explanation was dynamically created as the need for it arose) — anyway, assume we have procured a fruit object of type Orange…

Implementing the Peel method:  To peel this fruit object of type Orange we’ll call orange, we need to first try grasping orange.  Here we need to make sure we handle a few exceptions like LIMBS_MISSING or INSUFFICIENT_GRIP which could put an unceremonious halt to this exercise.  We then check bob.thumbnail.length and compare it to orange.peel.thickness to see if he has sufficient nail length in order to pierce said orange.  To be thorough, we should test for this case and appropriately handle with a knife object, but that’s beyond the scope of this simple tutorial.  If we determine that bob.thumbnail.length is sufficient, we create a while loop: while (orange.peelExists) { bob.digNail(orange); bob.detachPeel(orange) }

Once you have successfully implemented the Peel method, you could try it with other fruit object types!  As an additional exercise, try the same method on the following fruit types: Grapefruit, Lemon, Blood Orange, Pineapple, and Coconut!

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New Vegas State of Mind

Posted by Allan in Games, Parody, Verse -- Love on March 14, 2011 8:55 am

On a chair that’s broken
with tv blocked by becca
caps are my dinero
the load times take forever

found the new Sinatra
and since I crafted here
I can make stuff anywhere
(I fast travel everywhere)

I used to hang in Goodsprings
Hola to the Powder Gangers
outskirts of New Vegas
dance with Elvis dopplegangers

Quickly, to my stash spot
Three-Eight Vegas Crew
Catch me in the kitchen
like Cook Cook makin’ Fiend Stew

Roll Hidden Valley
Power Armor
Brothers want Veronica
Y’all better not harm ‘er

Head to Tops for bad guys
Home of that boy Benny
Got to ice the bastard
’cause the asshole shot at me

Pulled trigger, see ya
I’ll keep Maria
Down at Freeside
They give me meds for free (yeah)

The Van Graffs are freaked out
I won’t turn in Cassidy
’cause they gave me attitude
and I’m most definitely from…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

I made you hot, Caesar!

Catch me shooting posers
dressed as Romans at a Legion camp
Gather Prime Decanus Helmets,
mint condition ’cause I can.

I’ve also met with Big Blue,
hacking at his crypto
but my companions are still welcome
at his crib though

Welcome to McCarran Camp
Contreras out there selling drugs
Dude will sell you ulra jet
Home of 1st Recon

NCR, Caravans,
Raider Fiends, shoot ‘em back
Courier delivers death
just like he’s shooting down some desert rats

8 million shots fired,
some damage taken
try running away
but half of y’all won’t make it

Shoot my .38 Special
and it’s custom made
If HELIOS ain’t fixed by noon,
Mr. Fantastic won’t get paid

Beat up a centurion
Three Card Bounty
Kill the three fiends
and report back to Dhatri

White Glove Society,
down with the slave trade,
Long live The King’s dog
Found him a new dog brain in…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

Rads are blinding
Bright’s church blinder
want to meet up with the sun quick,
they flat-liners

ghouls are casualties
who lose their minds casually
then gradually become worse.

You can’t stay at Bison Steve.
Hike up to Jacobstown,
chill, stay a while
and when the banter gets old
just blow the nightkin out

The Legion is bad –
they be killing on a whim.
Papa Khan’s gone mad,
you gotta talk to him.

Sweetie used to work strip
Got strung up on buff-out,
Everybody on her,
just like a train route,

Hail Mary, the buggy game
breaks immersion.
With my broken save file
life sucks if I start again

Came for revenge,
light’s amber on the hard drive,
Wallpaper rotates
some posters in marquee lights

The NCR got you
feeling like a champion,
Lanius never sleeps
Let this bullet be his Ambien

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

You could’ve been mayor, you saved the city
street drugs, big bling, neck deep in kitty
all the world can be yours if you grow a pair
Let the plasma crackle air, everybody say yeah!
come on, come on

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

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Lenten Dining Guide

Posted by Allan in Cultures, Prose on March 9, 2011 12:26 pm

A happy start of the Lenten season to all you ash-faces out there!  It’s that time of year again when Catholics all over the world take one more day out of the week to remember El Salvador himself by refraining from eating meat.  With a desire to spread accurate misinformation and the urge to provide a great disservice to the Catholic community, I present a few food suggestions for the pious.

For the Fast-Foodies, there are quite a few fish sandwiches that come to market around this time of year to cater to America’s under-represented Christian community.  There’s also fish and chips served at the FF joints with my convenient favorite being the one from Everest.  If you’re only getting one fish meal for the day, the serving size truly makes it count!

For the out-of-box experience, there’s Stouffer’s Vegetable Lasagna.  Thawed and cooked in the oven for a couple of hours, it provides a wholesome, if carb-laden meal.

For soups, my personal favorite is clam chowder.  Catholics should watch out, however, as some chowder is flavored with tiny bits of bacon which could render the meal unkosher and land you in the box for 5 Hail Mary’s and a game misconduct.

Then there’s the classic Shrimp and Tofu which when prepared well, is quite divine even when served outside Church-mandated seafood days.  Other preferred choices include salmon, lobster, scallops, and calamari, which can make a person forget about the perceived suffering of not eating Cow for a day.  Nothing says reflection and personal sacrifice quite like baked salmon.

For the more adventurous and borderline heretics among us, one can enjoy a serving of SPAM fried rice all the while arguing the definition of “meat” as it relates to the canned product.  At this point, some readers may say “but Allan, what about us culinary-challenged borderline heretics?”  I’ve got you covered.  Order a few regular soft tacos from Taco Bell.  Until a jury decides the difference between “ground beef” and “taco filling,” I don’t think it should count.

If all else fails and none of these suggestions work for you, do what many good Catholics do during lent — wait until midnight and pig out.  Literally.  Until next time, remember that today, nothing says Catholic like a smearing of ash on your forehead dutifully dispensed by trained ministers of ash.  Ash masters, really.  Happy Lenten Dining!

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Killzone 3: The Last Word

Posted by Allan in Games, Prose on March 8, 2011 11:08 am

“You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces every time
And I don’t need no carryin’ on”

– Daniel Powter, “Bad Day”

The Killzone 3 experience truly shines in its multiplayer offering.  Campaign mode, while interesting, was definitely not the most memorable component of the game.  The real “war stories” are to be found from various skirmishes against real players: from holding a bridge to demolishing a structure and anywhere in between.  The stories are found in harnessing and relishing human psychology — the frustrations of defeat, the fatally flawed determination for vengeance, creating mistrust as well as predicting where an opposing player hides and greeting him there when he arrives.  These are your stories — the Tactician capturing a crucial spawn point, a Marksman taking out a machine gun, an Infiltrator planting explosives after methodically neutralizing three defenders, a Medic reviving himself to complete an objective when enemies have left him for dead.  I don’t have Engineer stories, I use one mainly to repair ammo boxes in order to benefit the other classes I favor.

That said, the multiplayer mode’s instability has weighed down on what otherwise would have been a lot of fun.  Too often, I found myself pleading with the game — “no, please don’t freeze, I was doing well!”  Why my gaming depends on a Session Host’s relationship status, I don’t really know.  So he’s no longer available, I’m happy for him, now let’s keep playing.  The game also completely freezes on occasion, requiring a hard reset, which is still inconvenient and annoying.  There may be additional issues with lag and hit-boxes but that might just actually be my horrible aim.  When I go Dick Cheney on someone from point blank, I don’t expect my opponent to be merely tickled, which seems to happen more often than I care for it to.

While I await the coming of various patches to improve stability and gameplay, I am left with a horrible sense of disappointment.  I liked Killzone 2 and I had many stories from its multiplayer mode.  I want to like Killzone 3 and I do like the game when I am able to play.  The instability, however, seems to overpower the positives.  So until those network errors go away, “please don’t freeze, Killzone 3.  You were doing so well!”

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From Sorrow’s Cup

Posted by Allan in Verse -- Fear on March 1, 2011 9:29 am

I sipped a drink called “Joy” from Sorrow’s cup
and found it bittersweet.
Thirst unquenched, I asked for more,
which kept my spirit incomplete.

Next, I asked if I could sample “Laughter”
and with a smile, he poured the drink
which quickly chilled my weakened veins
and made my weighted spirit sink.

I thought, perhaps instead to try “Despair”
which was unopened on the shelf.
It reminded me of lemon water
and eased a part of my inner self.

I caught the barkeep by surprise
when next, I tasted “Pain”
which was like nectar mixed with honey
and felt like a welcome summer rain.

Emboldened, I demanded “Death”
and watched the liquid pour.
Quenched, my spirit soared above me
as Sorrow’s cup fell to the floor.

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