“Damn it, my staff is broken!”
“uh huh huh…you broke your staff.”

“I’ll get to try out my new sword. You know, this is the only place you can say that and have it be socially acceptable.”

“Alright, undead! I can control undead! Wait, what? Where the hell do I find an eyelash in gum Arabic? Awww crap.”

“I think I found the guy we’re supposed to kill.”
“I’ll be right there.”
“Watch out, I’m already dead.”
“Oh…me too. Yeah, it’s a level four quest and we’re level three.”
“Ok, well that explains that.”

“Have you seen my dog? Did it follow us through the door?”
“No, I think he’s gone.”
“Damn it, Snoop. Meh, I’ll make a new one.”

“Did you just revive me? How the hell do you do that?”
“I have no idea.”

“Wolves up ahead.”
“Go get ‘em, Snoop! Uh huh huh, dog on dog action.”
“Bitch fight!”

“Nope, I didn’t find anything.”
“Secret door right in front of you.”
“Stupid elf and your search skills.”

“Ahh, spider on my keyboard…in real life. Hold on a sec.”

(on being poisoned by a spider)
“Hey you’ve got the Ultimate Warrior logo on top of your head!”

“How many potions do you have left?”
“I’ve got 10, but as a wizard with a drinking problem, that’ll go by fast.”

After gathering what I deemed were ample resources, I decided to venture forth and proceeded to grow basil.  Initially, I had relatively good success, harvesting leaves for health and gaining XP through watering and pruning the plant.  Unfortunately, a neighboring clan of aphids raided my basil and cast “inedible leaf” which greatly stunted my harvest.  I tried to counter by concocting a high-level potion to repel the invading clan.  Unfortunately, I had not leveled up enough and did not pass the necessary INT check to create a proper potion.  While the resulting potion was incredibly effective against the aphid rush, it had the unwanted effect of poisoning the basil plant.  Though I made several attempts to cast “Revive,” basil ultimately suffered death.

When basil looked promising, I also planted tomato and bell pepper.  Though both grew relatively well, adding to my XP, I never was able to harvest anything that replenished hitpoints.  I cast level one “maple leaf mulch” for protection but Gaia pwn3d them both with frostwind spells.  Severely beaten by the end of season one, they barely survive to season two.

During the end of season one, with basil dead and both tomato and bell pepper in horrible shape, I was quite disheartened.  Sensing my weakness, Gaia invaded The Garden and claimed it for herself with an army of dandelions, crab grass, and three-leaf-clovers.  Thus ends Season One.  I gained a bit of XP but not enough to level up.  I gained some HP, but not enough to earn any bonus stat points.  Things looked pretty grim for The Garden, which seemed to be the perfect setup for Season Two.

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

Dark and starless night, forger’s flames that brightly blaze
Fills the room in violet haze reflecting on the marble’s pallid hue
The past is changing you — on a field of amber grain
All your fear and all your pain are soothed by your beloved’s loving hand

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

I always stood by you because your heart was true
And when only hope was left inside on that dark and starless night
You took your life as warriors sometimes do
But I could have told you, Kratos,
This world was never meant to have the hope you had in you.

Dark and starless night, statues stand in empty halls
Headless frames and heedless calls — a man whose sins relived with deep regret
All the souls that you had met — This vengeful god, this Spartan Ghost
Who could not wake their deep repose, could not erase the pain of long ago

I can never know what your eyes convey to me –
How Pandora offered clarity, how forgiveness set you free
All the gods are dead and the world is still –
There was one left to kill.

Let’s see if I can remember exactly how this all ended…

I finish the Zeus fight and go stabby stabby like a good Kratos, impaling Zeus into Gaia’s heart in a two-for-one deal.  Things fall down all around and Kratos regains consciousness next to a sword-pinned Zeus.  Kratos pulls the sword out and walks away.  We could have ended the story here and I’d have been happy.

However, Zeus goes into spirit form and goes after Mr. K — I’m asked to tap on the circle button but I die anyway.

Everything is dark and I’m suddenly playing a really really slow version of “This Is Your Life.”  Artistic storytelling recap of the previous games all the way back to Pandora, who does her Jesse Jackson impression.  After a long walk and swim, you’re back against Zeus, first-person style.  Short battle, then asked to tap circle to bash Zeus’ head in.  As Kratos pounds on Zeus’ face, the blood splatter covers the screen.  Circle button cue continues to be visible…I keep pressing circle.  Still going…and by this time I’m wondering if the game glitched on me.  The wife, who was watching this part, suggested I stop.  I do, and so does Kratos.  Yay me!  This could have been ending numero dos.

Athena shows up and asks for the power of Pandora back.  This is when we realize that when Kratos opened Pandora’s box the first time (first GOW), all the evil things within affected the gods while Kratos took ‘hope’ into himself.  It wasn’t so much vengeance as it was hope that he was drawing his determination from.  Anyway, Athena asks for the hope back.  Kratos looks at the sword says the line “my vengeance is…” [something] and stabs…himself…releasing hope into the world.  Athena goes “that was supposed to be for me!!!  they don’t know what to do with it!”  Athena walks away, credits roll.  This could have been ending numero tres.

At the end of the credits, we go back to the scene of Kratos’ suicide…except he goes Boba Fett on us by showing a blood trail all the way to the cliff-side of the mountain but no body.  No confirmed death.

Enter the potential God of War IV — “Killed ‘Em All and Back For More”

Now looking into completing the challenges, as well as starting over (probably in easy mode) to mop up some of the trophies and items that I’ve missed.  Looking at the online guides for input…it doesn’t look like I get to keep all my powers when I start over like I was able to in the prior GOW games.  Also, it appears trophies won’t be available if I turn on the bonus items.  Bummer all.  Then there are the bonus videos they supplied, which I haven’t gotten to yet.

And there you have it, my thoughts on playing God of War III.

Hera’s hedge maze was well made.  It took my tired, sleep-deprived brain a while to figure that whole mess out.  Before anything else, let me take this moment to finally mention something that I seem to have failed to bring up in all my previous posts: WTF IS UP WITH THE PANDORA PLOTLINE?  I guess we’re going for the father-child angle again, and it does seem a little tacked on.  It’s like Kratos goes from vengeance-vengeance-vengeance to “save the kittens” all of a sudden.

Heph talked a lot about Pandora, and was very protective of her.  He was trying to gain Kratos’ sympathy since he can relate to having a daughter.  I thought Mr. Bad-ass was over that by now since it’s all about Zeus with him these days.  At Hera’s hedge maze, she taunts him and tries to hit him a couple of times but he wanted nothing to do with her…until she starts trashing Pandora.  Kratos gets pissed and kills Hera.  No quick-time event, no blade swinging, nothing.  Just a cutscene where Kratos kills Hera.  The body comes in handy in the puzzle room, too!

A day ago, maybe, I’ve come to realize that the game just starts throwing more enemies at you.  Many times, I’ve heard myself saying “please let that be the last of them” as I nurse my sliver of a health bar.  I mention this because the next section on the way to the labyrinth becomes a hack and slashfest.  Having to use Helios to light the way added to the immersion factor.  Seeing MANY scorpions in the distance was disheartening at times.  Hack, slash, jump — giant scorpion.  Power up that cestus, guys, the game requires you to use it.  Scorpion dies after a long dance and flying mini game.

We meet Daedalus who’s still hoping Zeus keeps his kid Icarus alive.  I could’ve sworn I killed that kid in the previous game and I have the wings to prove it…but Daedman doesn’t know that.  Twisty-turny Rubik’s Cube journey, get Pandora (who appears to be invincible, by the way).  Escort mission, break her out of a dunk tank, falling blades, a horde of enemies, etc.  At the end of it, Daedman writes you a love letter with his hands bound…he’s good.  Oh, as you’re walking, Pandora waxes poetic about her dad Heph and Kratos gets all sentimental about parenthood.  Lost somewhere in there is the fact that KRATOS JUST KILLED HEPHAESTUS A FEW SCENES AGO!!!

Time to raise the cube up to Olympus, which means hitting the three kings in the back of the head.  After fighting off numerous strong and annoying foes along the way.  Break the chain, turn a crank, cutscene of Rubik’s cube wrecking Olympus.  Now for your WTF moment: Pandora wants to jump into the flame and Kratos once more turns softie and instead wants to bake cupcakes and attend PTA meetings for Pandora.  Fight with Zeus, pandora takes the opportunity to jump into the flame.  Pandora’s box turns out to be empty.  Zeus mocks him.  Save point.

Another Zeus fight and the formerly-presumed-dead Gaia shows up.  This shows you how slow my brain had been working all this time.  In the beginning of the game one of the first real puzzles you had to solve was near her onyx-protected heart.  Having her hand chopped off like Luke and falling down the side of a mountain didn’t seem to kill her, even as Cronus lamented over her supposed death.

I start cestus-bashing the heart, Zeus shows up, fight happens, he gets all split-personality and all seven of him gang up to kill me.  Screw that, I said.  Time for bed.

More spoilers…attach your own disclaimer accordingly.

When I last left Kratos, I had dropped him off at the cake-and-ice-cream shop for some much needed R&R.  However, It seems he’s still upset about the whole ‘revenge on Zeus’ stuff.  You know, I guess cake and ice cream DOESN’T solve everything.  Thus the game continues –

I did the Aphrodite quick-time-event mini-game a few times — for the red orbs, kids, the red orbs.  I have many weapons to power-up and couldn’t pass up the red orbs.

Then there was that talk with Hephaestus that I was pseudo-dreading.  Heph asks Kratos about A-Ditty and Kratos brushes it off and gets back to the task at hand.  Very focused, this guy.  No incriminating text-messages, no press conferences, no public apologies, just gets on with it.

I’m sure Heph was still a bit miffed when he sent Kratos off to go find some specific rock in Tartarus.  Eventually Kratos spots Cronos giving Gaia a high-five. (confirming that Gaia is now dead)  Neat battle with Cronos follows with more god-climbing (though nothing like the A-Ditty god-climbing) and some nice brutality.   Weird how his zits ooze out living creatures.  Found the rock in his belly, and then eventually brainstabbed him with the sword.  He was all “you got what you wanted, now leave me be!”  One more round of cake and ice cream and Kratos might have just let it slide but no, he still has anger issues and only stabby stabby seems to help with that.  Cronos is perma-404.

Kratos takes the rock back to Heph, he makes a whip out of it, hands it over, and proceeds to shock Kratos with it.  I know — some guys just hold grudges for too damn long.  Lamest boss-fight ensues and Heph is killed in I’m guessing under two minutes.

Kratos goes to meet up with Ditty again for more red orbs.  After that, I head outside and the disembodied voice of Athena informs me that…wait for it…the Nemesis whip thingy allows me to do FORCE-LIGHTNING!!!  About damn time.

Platforming on some bridges, into some other room where Daedalus left a note saying he traded favors with Zeus to get his kid Icarus back. (intentional pun, though I never did play that NES game).  I hop around and flap my ‘borrowed’ wings a few times for the sake of irony.

And this is around where I left off.  Some portals, a ballista, oodles of goodies, and two chests hanging from the roof.  I’ve managed to pick up the other goodies but haven’t quite figured out how to handle the last two yet.  I went on ahead to see Hera’s garden maze but am hoping I can restore back to a save-point so I can get those chests ’cause right now, it’s all about the red orbs and loot.

Day One Recap:
On day one, Poseidon, Hades, and Helios were offed.  A few titans were ticked off but I didn’t see any bodies so I can’t tell if they’re taking dirt naps or just hanging out where I can’t see them.

Onto Day Two:

Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti!
The whole bit with Hermes (last name unfortunately NOT Conrad) was well done, if not slightly annoying.  The look on Kratos as he eyed those shoes was priceless.  It basically said “Nice kicks…can I have them?”

Sparta’s Got Talent:
I do not do well with rhythm games and there I was forced to adapt or my game progress would come to a screeching halt.  Since I had to go through that, I only wished that the designers animated Kratos to do DDR moves on the floor.  I can see the GOW spinoff now — “Harpsichord Hero”

In-Cestus:
Interesting fight with Kevin Sorbo with jealousy weaved into the story.  I feel that Hercules’ demise was somehow an allegory of how the game’s writers put Kratos into existing Greek myths.  The writers donned Kratos as a glove and bashed Greek mythology into an unrecognizable pulp with him, took from it whatever served their purpose and disposed of the corpse with complete disregard.  Am I complaining?  Hell no.

Do-a-ditty:
Right around here is where I stopped.  Besides the fact that the upcoming conversation with Hephaestus will be hella awkward, I also have a few issues about all this.  Here’s a guy soaked in the blood of his enemies, has Cyclops eyeball all up in his fingernails, and hasn’t seen a bar of soap in days.  Nevermind the fact that he has also killed off the other gods and all that drama.  It’s all good, says Aphrodite, as she invites him to stay for some hot coffee.  Kratos is a pimp.

Now a few more random thoughts on continuity:
Some time had passed between the stories in first game and the second game.  However, the third game picks up right where the second game left off — SO WHERE IS MY FORCE-LIGHTNING???  Did he hit his head and forget during the maybe 10 minute gap that had elapsed between the second and third game?

Also about continuity — what happened to the head of Euryale that Kratos had hidden up his nether-region this whole time?  Did it dissolve like some sort of suppository?  All I’m saying is that the man has no place for pants pockets but always seems to reach back to where his a-hole would be to pull out inventory items.  Worse yet, all of the things he had dutifully kept there during the second game — cyclops and gorgon eyes, phoenix feathers, Euryale’s head, etc. seem to have gone missing at the beginning of GOW III.  Having such things unaccounted for MAY explain why Kratos is so angry all the time, though.  So for now, Kratos, take Helios’ head out from up in there, take a shower and go out for some cake and ice cream.  I’m sure you’ll be feeling much more chipper afterwards and you’ll forget about all this Zeus-killing business in no time.

No?  Well alright, party on.

• Running on Normal Difficulty ’cause I’m lame like Hephaestus
• Turn on the captioning.  I realized this late enough that I missed a few things early on.
• Water-horse.  Ha!  Hopefully the Loch Ness Monster was not offended.
• ..aaaand of course the requisite Kratos-gimping.  (yeah, SPOILER ALERT!)
• With all the notes I’m finding, I assume that someone must be handing out school supplies at the entrance of the underworld.  Also, I wish I knew more mythology to understand some of the allusions.  The Persephone storyline is a nice touch though.
• Blades of Chaos/Athena/Exile — the chained swords change names more frequently than Puff Daddy!  Yeah, I know they’re supposedly different swords each time.  Right.  Same shape, new paint job, new name.
• Why can’t I use the blade of olympus in regular combat?  Am I missing something?
• The magic has been pretty mediocre so far.  Where’s my force-lightning?  I like my force-lightning.
• And lastly, for now, one of the main thoughts is “damn, I’m sure I’ve already missed collecting a few items along the way.”

• “In the end, there will be only crayons”
• “Every beginning has an end, Kratos”
• “THIS IS SPARTAAAAAA!”
• (wakes up from dream sequence as Fred from Accounting)  “About those TPS reports…”
• “I’m sorry Kratos, but Zeus is in another castle”

I heard about this Spartan,
his awesome fighting style
and so I picked up this game
to play it for a while
and there he was in combat
tearing a cyclops’ eye

He was this tortured reaver,
so lonely in a crowd
He shreds them all like lettuce
and yells his lines out loud.
His life bar they diminished
but he kept fighting on

His fate depended on me,
which fueled a deep despair.
His last fight was with some god
with orange-colored hair
and though he gained forgiveness
he knows he had done wrong