Well they woke me ’round mid afternoon and my head hurt the most.
I remember being kidnapped at a rally by its power-hungry host.
If games are like movies, my memories are films about ghosts
I could never escape even as I freefall down the coast
I knew an idiot who walked the tightrope for fortune and fame
he was an acrobat swinging trapezes but that story was lame.
If you’ve ever hung out with little boys,
the press makes your life full of shame.
And though he’ll never forgive Two-Face sometimes
I wish he didn’t know my name.

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

Well there’s a piece of my parents in every criminal sting
and the price of a memory is repaid by the justice it brings
but there’s always one more murderer to take down and one last batarang
and the last one out of the city has to lock up everything
or the inmates will get out and fill all of Gotham with dread
while Harley’s sorrowful sobbing is still lingering in my head
and the goons and the junkies disbelieve whatever they’ve read
What’s left for a sequel when my favorite villain is dead?

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

All the blue ice reflections that color Vic’s mind when he sleeps
and the business-sense distractions that accompany the company I keep
Nigma’s razor-wit taunting that cuts just a little too deep
Hey I can dream as well as anyone but Dr. Crane can’t help me sleep
So I shoot my grapnel gun into the air and it catches some beams
for a brief interruption of a question-mark grabbing scheme
Well I can’t say I knew that you weren’t quite who you seemed
So I was surprised to find out
that Karlo played Joker on that final movie screen.

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

When the Clown Prince of Crime shattered the antidote on the floor
there wasn’t another
and I wondered what he did that for
I still was not sure because he had been dead before
but I carried his body with grief as I walked out the door.
You once lived on a desert planet featuring a pair of stars
and drove past Jabba’s palace to be disliked at some seedy Spaceport bar
and you followed Kenobi after selling off your uncle’s old car
and after taking down the emperor, you became a great voice-acting star
and after taking down the emperor, you became a great voice-acting star

Hey, Mr. Napier, I’m quite touched
but hey Mr. Napier, it’s too much
so hey Mr. Napier, please don’t sing to me.
Hey Mr. Napier, please don’t sing to me.
Hey Mr. Hamill, stay for Arkham 3?

7 am, walking off from the scourging
wounds are still fresh, gotta go downstairs
got a crown of thorns, things are quite surreal
seein’ everything, the time is slowin’
pain is all I feel, everybody’s laughin’
gotta get up to the skull place
gotta bring my cross, where are my friends? (my friends?)

Peter’s off and runnin’
Judas has gone hangin’
Gotta make my mind up
how much can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Shit’s going down on Friday
my dad don’t want to help me ’til the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Getting killed on Friday
everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Egg hunting, egg hunting (yeah!)
Egg hunting, egg hunting (yeah!)
Eggs, Peeps, sweet treats
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

2:45, we could have done this my way
Fading so fast, I want time to fly
Eggs, Peeps think about sweets
You know how it is
Type 2 Diabetes
My mom is watching me die
I got this, you got this
I’ll just cure it

[Bridge]

Yesterday Last Supper, Supper
Today is Good Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we dehydrated
We dehydrated
They offered me some gall today

Tomorrow Black Saturday
And Easter comes after … wards
Man, why won’t this weekend just end?

So hangin’ in the dry heat (in the dry heat)
check out my feet
Nail drivin’, crossin’ (Yeah, yeah)
muscle pains, talkin’ pains
wit’ two crooks up by my side (Woo!)
Playing dice are some centurions under me
Makes click clack, click clack, wanna scream
Check the time, it’s 3ish, this is the end
We gonna have sweets, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

On a chair that’s broken
with tv blocked by becca
caps are my dinero
the load times take forever

found the new Sinatra
and since I crafted here
I can make stuff anywhere
(I fast travel everywhere)

I used to hang in Goodsprings
Hola to the Powder Gangers
outskirts of New Vegas
dance with Elvis dopplegangers

Quickly, to my stash spot
Three-Eight Vegas Crew
Catch me in the kitchen
like Cook Cook makin’ Fiend Stew

Roll Hidden Valley
Power Armor
Brothers want Veronica
Y’all better not harm ‘er

Head to Tops for bad guys
Home of that boy Benny
Got to ice the bastard
’cause the asshole shot at me

Pulled trigger, see ya
I’ll keep Maria
Down at Freeside
They give me meds for free (yeah)

The Van Graffs are freaked out
I won’t turn in Cassidy
’cause they gave me attitude
and I’m most definitely from…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

I made you hot, Caesar!

Catch me shooting posers
dressed as Romans at a Legion camp
Gather Prime Decanus Helmets,
mint condition ’cause I can.

I’ve also met with Big Blue,
hacking at his crypto
but my companions are still welcome
at his crib though

Welcome to McCarran Camp
Contreras out there selling drugs
Dude will sell you ulra jet
Home of 1st Recon

NCR, Caravans,
Raider Fiends, shoot ‘em back
Courier delivers death
just like he’s shooting down some desert rats

8 million shots fired,
some damage taken
try running away
but half of y’all won’t make it

Shoot my .38 Special
and it’s custom made
If HELIOS ain’t fixed by noon,
Mr. Fantastic won’t get paid

Beat up a centurion
Three Card Bounty
Kill the three fiends
and report back to Dhatri

White Glove Society,
down with the slave trade,
Long live The King’s dog
Found him a new dog brain in…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

Rads are blinding
Bright’s church blinder
want to meet up with the sun quick,
they flat-liners

ghouls are casualties
who lose their minds casually
then gradually become worse.

You can’t stay at Bison Steve.
Hike up to Jacobstown,
chill, stay a while
and when the banter gets old
just blow the nightkin out

The Legion is bad –
they be killing on a whim.
Papa Khan’s gone mad,
you gotta talk to him.

Sweetie used to work strip
Got strung up on buff-out,
Everybody on her,
just like a train route,

Hail Mary, the buggy game
breaks immersion.
With my broken save file
life sucks if I start again

Came for revenge,
light’s amber on the hard drive,
Wallpaper rotates
some posters in marquee lights

The NCR got you
feeling like a champion,
Lanius never sleeps
Let this bullet be his Ambien

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

You could’ve been mayor, you saved the city
street drugs, big bling, neck deep in kitty
all the world can be yours if you grow a pair
Let the plasma crackle air, everybody say yeah!
come on, come on

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

Sometime last year when we were working on the Pomona Library’s “California Of The Past” Digital Storytelling Project, one of the stories we featured was that of “The Great Christmas Train Wreck of 1899” as narrated by J. Carson Bowen. The narration was taken from an expansive set of reel-to-reel tapes of oral histories recorded in the 1960′s. The images were mostly photos we have in our Special Collections room except for a small bit of CG animation I created in Blender.

Because of the computer-generated bit, I affectionately started calling the film “The Traininator” and created a mock-trailer for the blockbuster movie about this runaway train barreling through the quiet town of Pomona, California. Then the movie “Unstoppable” comes out this year while “The Traininator” languishes in obscurity.

This is the would-be trailer for The Greatest. Christmas Train Wreck Movie. Ever.

Dark and starless night, weary warrior red and grey
Looking past death and decay with eyes that know the darkest mortal soul
Gliding through the hills, taking flight on borrowed quills,
The emptiness your anger fills, the wife and child that perished by your hand

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

Dark and starless night, forger’s flames that brightly blaze
Fills the room in violet haze reflecting on the marble’s pallid hue
The past is changing you — on a field of amber grain
All your fear and all your pain are soothed by your beloved’s loving hand

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

I always stood by you because your heart was true
And when only hope was left inside on that dark and starless night
You took your life as warriors sometimes do
But I could have told you, Kratos,
This world was never meant to have the hope you had in you.

Dark and starless night, statues stand in empty halls
Headless frames and heedless calls — a man whose sins relived with deep regret
All the souls that you had met — This vengeful god, this Spartan Ghost
Who could not wake their deep repose, could not erase the pain of long ago

I can never know what your eyes convey to me –
How Pandora offered clarity, how forgiveness set you free
All the gods are dead and the world is still –
There was one left to kill.

Handing out pain with his fingers
Ending their lives with his swords
Killing them swiftly with his blades
Killing them swiftly with his blades
Tearing their whole lives with his swords
Killing them swiftly with his blades

I heard about this Spartan,
his awesome fighting style
and so I picked up this game
to play it for a while
and there he was in combat
tearing a cyclops’ eye

He was this tortured reaver,
so lonely in a crowd
He shreds them all like lettuce
and yells his lines out loud.
His life bar they diminished
but he kept fighting on

His fate depended on me,
which fueled a deep despair.
His last fight was with some god
with orange-colored hair
and though he gained forgiveness
he knows he had done wrong

[note: this parody was written in the early 90's]

There’s a place by the seas
where the people dream of peace
rather than one whole world that kills each other.
Take a knife, go outside
there’s no place that they can hide,
kill them all and forget that they’re your brothers.
There are people dying;
If you care enough, kill the living.
Save a lot of space…kill the human race.

Kill the world — make it a better place
for you and for me and the anti-human race.
There are people dying;
If you care enough, kill the living.
Make a better place for you and for me.

Need a change of the pace?
Send a killer to this place.
Bring them all, we’ll have fun in here together.
Kill for love, kill for hate,
we shall blame their deaths on fate.
Kill the world with a soul light as a feather.
Now the world is crying;
If you care enough, kill the living.
Make a better place…kill the human race.

Kill my friend, I’ll kill yours.
Kill them all with brutal force.
Destroy all who oppose the main objective.
Take a knife, bring a gun,
then together we’ll have fun.
Kill for death, claim destruction as your motive.
We’ve had people frying,
you can go ahead burn the living.
‘Til there’s not a trace…
kill the human race.

You saw too much, now all you are is a ghost
’cause bribing a witness is too much of a cost
I’m worried about what you might say
Shot in the back ’cause you ran away
You could’ve been just carrying on

They told you to hold it but you just had to go
You were in the bathroom just two minutes ago
Minding your own and doing fine
Syringe on your neck, your life on the line
Now they’ll need to carry you off

‘Cause you had a bad day
I’ve taken you down
You could’ve been fine but you just turned around
You say you don’t know
You tell me you’d lie
There’s a dumpster out here for your body to hide
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
I needed that tape, now you all have to die
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

You needed a Blues Bar holiday
You could have been spared but you got in my way
Now you won’t be carrying on

You had a bad day
You met the bald guy
You didn’t walk on, now you’re wondering why
You said it’s your yard
You told me to go
You’re buried in garbage, you inquisitive ho
You had a bad day
The padre don’t lie
You’re stuck on a lift in a place they won’t find
You had a bad day

Sometimes circuit breakers fail
and you just have to see what’s wrong
You might not make it back
but you thought that it would not take oh that long
Well you’re dead wrong

There is no compassion when you bother a clone
Oh what a guy
He’s not Mr. Clean so just leave him alone

Now you had a bad day
I’ve taken you down
You should’ve walked faster past the merry-go-round
Just say you don’t know
You could’ve just lied
And let me walk by like I had nothing to hide
You had a bad day
Not something you like
And how does it feel, fiberwire time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Looking for food,
my fridge is bare –
I’m not the only one
with whom these cravings I share.

I’d go for mexican
The drive-through was near
In search of some tacos
When I realized my fear.

But maybe if I tried real hard I’d
I see you’re trying too
To understand this meat
That we’re both struggling to chew.
(Then when she asked if I wanted mild or fire,
I didn’t know what to do!)

Sometimes I feel like I’m eating a dead horse
and I don’t know why you keep mowin’ them down.
I’d like to think that a buck’s worth a tad more.
It does taste funny and you’d think by now
You’d be stopping.
I guess you can keep the change
Keep the change.

This here ain’t a cow, boy –
A really twisted surprise
Is that Mr. Ed behind the door
’cause the smell’s disturbing the flies
I was only a small child
when their purpose came to me
that they’re good for some glue and exactas for you
but they’re not something you should eat.

I ain’t quite what you’d call old-fashioned
I prefer to eat steer
When my burrito ran track a few hundred times,
I guess the best advice is stay clear.

My fee’s all gone, I’m wondering why
I sold my soul at all –
The morning mail locked up my Windows,
They all call me a troll.
Even if they don’t, everything I say
Gets all hackers’ eyes to roll –
Still I tell me that it’s not so bad,
It’s not so bad…

Dear Bill, I wrote but you still ain’t respondin’
I left e-mail, my URL, and my home IP at the bottom
I sent two bug reports last autumn — you must not a got ‘em
There probably was a problem with hotmail or somethin
Sometimes the packets take the scenic route when you route them
but anyhoo, fsck it, what’s been up? Man, how’s Ballmer?
Is he still a dancin’ foo, screamin’ “developer?”
If I have a daughter, guess what I’ma call her –
I’ma name her Clippy.
I read about your XP SP2, I’m sorry.
I had a friend bork his box over some bitchy driver problem
I know you probably hear this everyday but I’m your biggest fan.
I even got Software Assurance that the zealots called a scam.
I got a room will all your certificates and manuals, man.
I like the stuff you did with Java, too, that stuff was phat!
Anyways, I hope you get this, man. Hit me back
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Dan.

Dear Bill, you still ain’t ack-ed my note. I hope you have a chance.
I ain’t mad — I just think it’s fscked up when the shizznit hit the fan.
If you didn’t want to fix the bugs through Trustworthy Computing
you didn’t have to, but you coulda posted a work-around for Matthew
That’s my kid bro, man, he’s only eight years old
Been a good boy, rebooted as he was told by you
for years and you just said “No.”
That’s pretty crappy, man, his drive was going idle.
He wanted to be just like you, man! Now he gets more porn than I do!
I ain’t that mad, though, I just don’t like bein lied to.
Remember when we met in Vegas? I said that I’d write you
And that I’ve always gots your back. See, man, patching is ok, in a way.
I wouldn’t have bothered either
But my mom’s machine got hosed and she’s not a control-alt-deleter.
I can’t relate when people say you’re doing wrong
So when I have a crappy day, I flame away and bring it on
’cause I don’t really know shit else and get confused on what to press
I even got wit blizzard and got Warcraft Battlechest
Sometimes I get a troll to axe a seal to watch it bleed
It’s like adrenaline, that is until the game locks up on me.
And when you rolled right over Real, man, I respect you cause you did it.
The linux folks are jealous — their uptime is 24/7
but they don’t know you like I do, Bill, no one does
they don’t know what it’s like for systems like ours booting up
You gotta write me, man. I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose.
Sincerely yours, Dan — P.S.
I’m glad you beat up OS/2

Dear Mister-I’m-Too-Good-To-Fix-Or-Patch-My-Bugs,
this’ll be the last e-mail I ever send your ass
It’s been so long and Word’s still bork — I don’t deserve it?
I gotta upgrade to write letters?
I almost switched down to Wordperfect!
So this is my ogg file I’m sending you, I hope you hear it.
I’m running firefox on the information superhighway
Hey Bill, I clicked on Bonzi Buddy, will it install in my drive?
You know that song by Shawn Colvin, it’s called “Sunny Came Home”
about that girl who came home with a box of tools and said that
it’s time for a few small repairs — she came home with a vengeance?
That’s kinda how it is, I was one “rescue disk” from switching
Now it’s too late — I’m with a million penguins now and happy
and all I wanted was a lousy ack or a call
I hope you know I trashed ALL of your cd’s from my drawer.
I loved XP and IE together, think about it –
It’s ruined somehow, I hope you can’t boot and you dream about it
And when you boot, I hope you get spyware and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you for what you did with ME
See, man — what up, bitch? You’re nothin but talk.
Hey Bill, I ain’t buyin your marketing junk.
They didn’t find a goat, They just fixed the bug. See, they ain’t like you
’cause if you look away, we suffer more and we’ll upgrade, too!
Well, gotta go, my machine is so much better now.
Oh man, this is great — now my OS doesn’t crap out!

Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said you found some bugs last year — that’s just really silly.
Look, I’m really flattered that you’d call your daughter that
and it’s not our fault about your brother
we didn’t install that spyware crap.
I’m sorry I don’t remember you at the show, I must’ve missed you
The free swag was there to make it up to you in case I dissed you.
And what’s that shit you said about you playing Blizzard games, foo?
Get your ass on Xbox Live, dogg
c’mon, how screwed up are you?
You’ve got some issues, Dan, I’ll forward them to marketing
To help your PC from bouncing packets off the wall when you have downtime
And we can go squash those Linux hippies together.
With SCO and SUN, man — we’ll all just chill and support each other.
I really think you need a girlfriend, man, at least someone to bother
Or maybe you just need to treat your OS better.
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that our products are just fine
if you relax a little. I’m trying to understand you, Dan,
why are you so mad? Try to understand I do want you as a fan
I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one dude on the net a couple of weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was posting HOWTOs on the web and how he switched
From using Windows into Linux — and how we lost the Munich bid
And on the bottom it had a link, I forget — it was mailto:
Come to think of it, his name was…it was you
Damn!