My fee’s all gone, I’m wondering why
I sold my soul at all –
The morning mail locked up my Windows,
They all call me a troll.
Even if they don’t, everything I say
Gets all hackers’ eyes to roll –
Still I tell me that it’s not so bad,
It’s not so bad…
Dear Bill, I wrote but you still ain’t respondin’
I left e-mail, my URL, and my home IP at the bottom
I sent two bug reports last autumn — you must not a got ‘em
There probably was a problem with hotmail or somethin
Sometimes the packets take the scenic route when you route them
but anyhoo, fsck it, what’s been up? Man, how’s Ballmer?
Is he still a dancin’ foo, screamin’ “developer?”
If I have a daughter, guess what I’ma call her –
I’ma name her Clippy.
I read about your XP SP2, I’m sorry.
I had a friend bork his box over some bitchy driver problem
I know you probably hear this everyday but I’m your biggest fan.
I even got Software Assurance that the zealots called a scam.
I got a room will all your certificates and manuals, man.
I like the stuff you did with Java, too, that stuff was phat!
Anyways, I hope you get this, man. Hit me back
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Dan.
Dear Bill, you still ain’t ack-ed my note. I hope you have a chance.
I ain’t mad — I just think it’s fscked up when the shizznit hit the fan.
If you didn’t want to fix the bugs through Trustworthy Computing
you didn’t have to, but you coulda posted a work-around for Matthew
That’s my kid bro, man, he’s only eight years old
Been a good boy, rebooted as he was told by you
for years and you just said “No.”
That’s pretty crappy, man, his drive was going idle.
He wanted to be just like you, man! Now he gets more porn than I do!
I ain’t that mad, though, I just don’t like bein lied to.
Remember when we met in Vegas? I said that I’d write you
And that I’ve always gots your back. See, man, patching is ok, in a way.
I wouldn’t have bothered either
But my mom’s machine got hosed and she’s not a control-alt-deleter.
I can’t relate when people say you’re doing wrong
So when I have a crappy day, I flame away and bring it on
’cause I don’t really know shit else and get confused on what to press
I even got wit blizzard and got Warcraft Battlechest
Sometimes I get a troll to axe a seal to watch it bleed
It’s like adrenaline, that is until the game locks up on me.
And when you rolled right over Real, man, I respect you cause you did it.
The linux folks are jealous — their uptime is 24/7
but they don’t know you like I do, Bill, no one does
they don’t know what it’s like for systems like ours booting up
You gotta write me, man. I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose.
Sincerely yours, Dan — P.S.
I’m glad you beat up OS/2
Dear Mister-I’m-Too-Good-To-Fix-Or-Patch-My-Bugs,
this’ll be the last e-mail I ever send your ass
It’s been so long and Word’s still bork — I don’t deserve it?
I gotta upgrade to write letters?
I almost switched down to Wordperfect!
So this is my ogg file I’m sending you, I hope you hear it.
I’m running firefox on the information superhighway
Hey Bill, I clicked on Bonzi Buddy, will it install in my drive?
You know that song by Shawn Colvin, it’s called “Sunny Came Home”
about that girl who came home with a box of tools and said that
it’s time for a few small repairs — she came home with a vengeance?
That’s kinda how it is, I was one “rescue disk” from switching
Now it’s too late — I’m with a million penguins now and happy
and all I wanted was a lousy ack or a call
I hope you know I trashed ALL of your cd’s from my drawer.
I loved XP and IE together, think about it –
It’s ruined somehow, I hope you can’t boot and you dream about it
And when you boot, I hope you get spyware and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you for what you did with ME
See, man — what up, bitch? You’re nothin but talk.
Hey Bill, I ain’t buyin your marketing junk.
They didn’t find a goat, They just fixed the bug. See, they ain’t like you
’cause if you look away, we suffer more and we’ll upgrade, too!
Well, gotta go, my machine is so much better now.
Oh man, this is great — now my OS doesn’t crap out!
Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said you found some bugs last year — that’s just really silly.
Look, I’m really flattered that you’d call your daughter that
and it’s not our fault about your brother
we didn’t install that spyware crap.
I’m sorry I don’t remember you at the show, I must’ve missed you
The free swag was there to make it up to you in case I dissed you.
And what’s that shit you said about you playing Blizzard games, foo?
Get your ass on Xbox Live, dogg
c’mon, how screwed up are you?
You’ve got some issues, Dan, I’ll forward them to marketing
To help your PC from bouncing packets off the wall when you have downtime
And we can go squash those Linux hippies together.
With SCO and SUN, man — we’ll all just chill and support each other.
I really think you need a girlfriend, man, at least someone to bother
Or maybe you just need to treat your OS better.
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that our products are just fine
if you relax a little. I’m trying to understand you, Dan,
why are you so mad? Try to understand I do want you as a fan
I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one dude on the net a couple of weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was posting HOWTOs on the web and how he switched
From using Windows into Linux — and how we lost the Munich bid
And on the bottom it had a link, I forget — it was mailto:
Come to think of it, his name was…it was you
Damn!