Many tomatoes have been harvested from the vine with many more to come from Clotho’s spool. Lachesis has been generous in measuring the few zucchini that attained the ultimate glory in the sacrificial fires of the summer season. The Fates have shown mercy but it is clear that they do not hold me in their favor. As battle continues, my consolation is that the troops and I are still able to fight, even as the gods conspire against us.

Having been deprived of the Greek gods’ full cooperation, I sought the gardening wisdom of the Roman Goddess Pomona. I came as a gardener to seek her sympathy and she ignored me. I came as a warrior to gain her trust through prestige and she turned away. Finally, I came as myself and she agreed to help. With Helios’ Solar Gaze feeling more like a Wrathful Stare, I hope the newfound alliance brings aid.

The Tomatoes are doing well and require more pruning. The Zucchini may also be growing too quickly for their own good. The Peppers are slowly ripening. Bell Pepper from Season One has two fruits growing. Basil is flourishing and is stubbornly trying to flower. Rosemary continues its fragrant growth. The Chives have doubled in size in the partial sun. Lettuce seeds gathered and sown have sprouted seedlings. Even the Marigolds are continuing to flower.

The Garden continues to grow. The soldiers show great fervor, proving that they are indeed ready for combat. The General, however, sees what his troops do not yet see. He sees Gaia’s army forming ranks. He knows that soon, Helios will show no mercy. To him, the upcoming battle’s outcome is yet uncertain, but one thing is clear: courage and perseverance will lead to a glorious victory.

Having been entertained by Tonner’s recitation of prose and verse, the children departed to enjoy the cool ocean breeze brought in from the coast over by the orange groves. When they arrived, they found an old
lady in her early thirties along with her dog sitting underneath a tree, reading a book. As little boys often do, they picked up small oranges that had fallen from the trees and started to throw them at the old woman and her dog much to her annoyance.

When one orange struck her in the head, she stood up, slowly enough to make sure the boys did not run away. She pointed at them with her finger, hand shaking from age, and with a loud, shrill voice, she yelled
“You who dare disturb the tranquility of these grounds, the best place I have found in all of Pomona to read a book in peace and enjoy the pleasant winds on a summer afternoon…YOU — may you and the generations after you find the same peace, and find the same cool ocean breeze on this ground…but NEVER at the same time.”

As she sat back down to read, the cool breeze ceased and the boys had to walk a long distance away to find a cool spot to relax. As they turned back, the old lady and her dog had disappeared.

The General was faced with the classic philosophical question posed upon any virtuous leader: Which is better, to be loved or feared? As Machiavelli once wrote, while being both would be most desirable, if one must choose, the virtuous leader should choose being feared.

With the aid of pruning shears, the benevolent General attempted to strike a balance between discipline and harm. At times, young fruits had been lost and vines had been bent. While the General grieved each loss, he understood that ultimate success demanded that order and discipline be maintained.

Since the season started, a total of five zucchini have been harvested. A larger number had died before their time. Tomatoes have not yet ripened, but are ever so slowly changing color as the days go by. Basil had been aggressively pruned, yielding a large jar of a potable potion vaguely resembling pesto. Though delighted at the harvest, the General wished he invested more skill points into potion mastery.

Having unexpectedly gained skill points in necromancy, the General’s undead troops from season one continued to display growth. Season one’s tomato actually required a well-placed stake to encourage proper behavior. Although the first bell pepper fruit never did grow to maturity, the plant seems to continue producing flowers.

Six spicy but currently unidentified peppers have joined the ranks in The Garden. They came as a team with different personalities and a group photo for an ID. A few have shown fruit, but not enough to properly identify them from the photograph.

Helios has continued to gain strength while Gaia weakens. Though both situations were anticipated, the General was surprised by the number of times he has had to cast Poseidon’s Aid to combat the increased effects of Solar Gaze.

At this time, The Garden is green. The troops are filled with potential and zeal. Harvest seems closer. The General is cautiously hopeful.

“Damn it, my staff is broken!”
“uh huh huh…you broke your staff.”

“I’ll get to try out my new sword. You know, this is the only place you can say that and have it be socially acceptable.”

“Alright, undead! I can control undead! Wait, what? Where the hell do I find an eyelash in gum Arabic? Awww crap.”

“I think I found the guy we’re supposed to kill.”
“I’ll be right there.”
“Watch out, I’m already dead.”
“Oh…me too. Yeah, it’s a level four quest and we’re level three.”
“Ok, well that explains that.”

“Have you seen my dog? Did it follow us through the door?”
“No, I think he’s gone.”
“Damn it, Snoop. Meh, I’ll make a new one.”

“Did you just revive me? How the hell do you do that?”
“I have no idea.”

“Wolves up ahead.”
“Go get ‘em, Snoop! Uh huh huh, dog on dog action.”
“Bitch fight!”

“Nope, I didn’t find anything.”
“Secret door right in front of you.”
“Stupid elf and your search skills.”

“Ahh, spider on my keyboard…in real life. Hold on a sec.”

(on being poisoned by a spider)
“Hey you’ve got the Ultimate Warrior logo on top of your head!”

“How many potions do you have left?”
“I’ve got 10, but as a wizard with a drinking problem, that’ll go by fast.”

I have harvested from basil and rosemary numerous times, gaining decent XP and HP. The strategic placement of wood mulch proved to be a misguided error as a swarm of fungus gnats have set up camp right at the base of both plants. Attacks with insecticidal soap have thinned their numbers but it appears that the insects are heavily entrenched and that I may have to resort to higher levels of biological warfare if I want to win the war.

With Helios’ influence growing stronger, the new recruits for season two seem to thrive with his aid. The zucchinis which were started from seed have now flowered. Using hand-pollinating techniques gleaned from seeking and reading scrolls, at least one more zucchini is ready for harvest.

The tomatoes from season two have also shown promising developments. Each of them appears to have at least one fruit in the process of growth. While momentary triumph seems imminent, I constantly remind myself that a crucial mistake on my part or any unprovoked attacks from either Helios or Gaia can easily swing the tide of battle. A bountiful harvest is in no way assured.

As Helios’ “Solar Gaze” seems to have leveled up, much to the delight of most of my soldiers, it has left bibb lettuce wanting cooler climes. While two of the six were successfully sacrificed for the greater glory of the cause, providing for a week or so worth of salad greens and contributing to both XP and HP, the four that were left behind are not in good shape. Torn up by insects and unable to withstand the powered up Solar Gaze spells, their future seems more grim than the fruiting plants.

An experiment with chives has yielded mixed results. The seeds have sprouted but the seedlings have not manifested enough strength and growth to merit transplanting. A batch of bell pepper seeds have yet to break ground and reach for the skies. It was my hope that these bell peppers would have grown enough to transplant into a waiting row by now. It seems the row will have to stay empty for a bit longer.

A few months into season two and The Garden seems well. While there have been a few setbacks and some battles yet to be won, the troops are strong and the promise of a good harvest seems so close. I hope that the soldiers continue to react positively to Solar Gaze. I know Helios will only grow stronger as the season progresses.

The marigolds seem to be doing alright but I may have placed them too far from the effective range of their mythical insect-repelling capabilities. As such, they stand watch for Gaia’s advance. Reports from the front lines have indicated that her troops are getting weaker…

To save you young folks the hassle of having this conversation with your parental figures and to save parental figures from the embarrassment of having to explain this to your children, I will take it upon myself to explain plant reproduction in a manner that young people can understand. If you are a parental figure, you might want to tune out now or you may be shocked to find out what your kids already know about “the birds and the bees.”

The Sex Pistils:

According to wikipedia, the female reproductive part of a flower (hereby referred to as “her thingy”) is called a Gynoecium. In the plant world, being female carries with it a certain style and stigma. No, seriously, those are actual names of components for her thingy.

Making a stamen:

The male reproductive part of a flower is called a stamen (hereby referred to as “his thingy”). The long shaft is called a filament. On the filament’s tip is something called the anther, also known as the pollen sac. Now keep in mind that in the plant kingdom, the sac is at the TIP of the shaft, not the base. Got it?

Pollen, of course, is that powdery substance that a lot of people are allergic to. Sometimes wind carries pollen around, seemingly straight up your nose, and your immune system goes into overdrive. This small powdery “pollen” thing that gets all over your clothes, skin, face, and up your nose is actually plant spooge. You see, little baby fruits and vegetables happen when the mommy and daddy part of the plant really love each other and spooge from his thingy makes contact with the spooge receptors in her thingy. Got that?

Well, hang on, it gets weirder.

A lot of plant types have flowers that contain both a male and a female part. These hermaphrodites are referred to as “perfect flowers” because they can “get pregnant” by fscking themselves. Other plants like zucchini have separate male flowers and female flowers and getting the spooge from his thingy into her thingy requires a bit more help.

Let me explain further since I’m sure this all seems a bit confusing right now. Actually, think about it for a second – plant parts don’t usually move much. They just lay there doing nothing. So if you’re, say, a vegetable, how do you make magic happen? You’d do it the way pandas in the zoo do it – you get others to help you.

In the case of “perfect flowers,” the spooge doesn’t have to travel much so sometimes even a slight breeze is enough to shake the spooge from his thingy and into hers. This means that a hermaphrodite flower can get pregnant from a blow-job. There, I said it. For tomatoes grown inside greenhouses where breezes do not occur, people often shake the plants themselves or with devices called “vibrators.” No, this is not a joke – Hermie plants can get pregnant with the use of a vibrator!

For non-hermie “imperfect flowers,” pollination is a bit trickier. Many flowers offer something sweet in order to attract insects (usually bees). As the bees harvest this nectar, they can’t help but rub up against his thingy and get plant spooge all over their hair. When they subsequently visit a female flower, some of the spooge rubs off of their body and into her thingy. Keep in mind the next time you enjoy honey on your toast that your sweet-tooth had just been satisfied by bees, nature’s spooge bucket.

To recap, this article briefly discussed plant reproductive anatomy terminology with words like pistils, stamens, and pollen. This article also discussed the topical differences between perfect and imperfect flowers and the different ways that pollination occurs. Most of all, I hope this article has given you a new perspective into the the reproductive habits of fruits and vegetables. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a Q-Tip so I can jerk off a zucchini.

(Note: This article uses the term “spooge” 9 times. 10 if you count the previous sentence.)

Maybe it was the warmth of the sun as I stood outside looking at all that was left of my garden.  There was something within me that refused to capitulate even as Gaia cast wave after wave of  “Allergio” spells at me.  I took a trip to the General Store and  purchased a “Trowel + 1″ which the cash register identified as something called a “Shovel.”  I also got the least expensive pair of leather gloves.  If I was going to
reclaim my territory, I needed better tools.

With the shovel, I leveled up the old trowel-based attack called  “Dig” and with the gloves, I gained +1 physical defense which  greatly lessened the self-damage that occasionally comes when doing  “Pull Weeds.”

As I made progress in clearing out Gaia’s army by digging and  pulling weeds, I realized that while I had improved my physical defense and damage, I completely neglected my Elemental Resistance.    Helios’ “Solar Gaze” took its toll on my Endurance and I had to go indoors to regain END and HP.

With land reclaimed, I called a truce with Gaia.  She reluctantly agreed to half of the fenced area to quarter her troops while I cultivated my half.  Since her troops bring pollinating insects into  The Garden, I thought it would be mutually beneficial to grant her an army base.

Helios, whose power determines the fates of Gaia’s weeds as well as those of my crops, got to do whatever the hell he wanted.  Arrogant bastard.

For Season Two, our returning cast of Zucchini, Bell Pepper, and Tomato now join two additional zucchinis, six new tomato plants and six bibb lettuces.   Also joining the troops this season are a new basil along with rosemary in a planter.  As an attempt to repel certain insect horde rushes, I have also planted marigolds at the border between Gaia’s troops and my leafy minions.

Coming up on the next episode of The Garden [RTS] — “Agriculture for 8th Grade Minds”

Let’s see if I can remember exactly how this all ended…

I finish the Zeus fight and go stabby stabby like a good Kratos, impaling Zeus into Gaia’s heart in a two-for-one deal.  Things fall down all around and Kratos regains consciousness next to a sword-pinned Zeus.  Kratos pulls the sword out and walks away.  We could have ended the story here and I’d have been happy.

However, Zeus goes into spirit form and goes after Mr. K — I’m asked to tap on the circle button but I die anyway.

Everything is dark and I’m suddenly playing a really really slow version of “This Is Your Life.”  Artistic storytelling recap of the previous games all the way back to Pandora, who does her Jesse Jackson impression.  After a long walk and swim, you’re back against Zeus, first-person style.  Short battle, then asked to tap circle to bash Zeus’ head in.  As Kratos pounds on Zeus’ face, the blood splatter covers the screen.  Circle button cue continues to be visible…I keep pressing circle.  Still going…and by this time I’m wondering if the game glitched on me.  The wife, who was watching this part, suggested I stop.  I do, and so does Kratos.  Yay me!  This could have been ending numero dos.

Athena shows up and asks for the power of Pandora back.  This is when we realize that when Kratos opened Pandora’s box the first time (first GOW), all the evil things within affected the gods while Kratos took ‘hope’ into himself.  It wasn’t so much vengeance as it was hope that he was drawing his determination from.  Anyway, Athena asks for the hope back.  Kratos looks at the sword says the line “my vengeance is…” [something] and stabs…himself…releasing hope into the world.  Athena goes “that was supposed to be for me!!!  they don’t know what to do with it!”  Athena walks away, credits roll.  This could have been ending numero tres.

At the end of the credits, we go back to the scene of Kratos’ suicide…except he goes Boba Fett on us by showing a blood trail all the way to the cliff-side of the mountain but no body.  No confirmed death.

Enter the potential God of War IV — “Killed ‘Em All and Back For More”

Now looking into completing the challenges, as well as starting over (probably in easy mode) to mop up some of the trophies and items that I’ve missed.  Looking at the online guides for input…it doesn’t look like I get to keep all my powers when I start over like I was able to in the prior GOW games.  Also, it appears trophies won’t be available if I turn on the bonus items.  Bummer all.  Then there are the bonus videos they supplied, which I haven’t gotten to yet.

And there you have it, my thoughts on playing God of War III.

Hera’s hedge maze was well made.  It took my tired, sleep-deprived brain a while to figure that whole mess out.  Before anything else, let me take this moment to finally mention something that I seem to have failed to bring up in all my previous posts: WTF IS UP WITH THE PANDORA PLOTLINE?  I guess we’re going for the father-child angle again, and it does seem a little tacked on.  It’s like Kratos goes from vengeance-vengeance-vengeance to “save the kittens” all of a sudden.

Heph talked a lot about Pandora, and was very protective of her.  He was trying to gain Kratos’ sympathy since he can relate to having a daughter.  I thought Mr. Bad-ass was over that by now since it’s all about Zeus with him these days.  At Hera’s hedge maze, she taunts him and tries to hit him a couple of times but he wanted nothing to do with her…until she starts trashing Pandora.  Kratos gets pissed and kills Hera.  No quick-time event, no blade swinging, nothing.  Just a cutscene where Kratos kills Hera.  The body comes in handy in the puzzle room, too!

A day ago, maybe, I’ve come to realize that the game just starts throwing more enemies at you.  Many times, I’ve heard myself saying “please let that be the last of them” as I nurse my sliver of a health bar.  I mention this because the next section on the way to the labyrinth becomes a hack and slashfest.  Having to use Helios to light the way added to the immersion factor.  Seeing MANY scorpions in the distance was disheartening at times.  Hack, slash, jump — giant scorpion.  Power up that cestus, guys, the game requires you to use it.  Scorpion dies after a long dance and flying mini game.

We meet Daedalus who’s still hoping Zeus keeps his kid Icarus alive.  I could’ve sworn I killed that kid in the previous game and I have the wings to prove it…but Daedman doesn’t know that.  Twisty-turny Rubik’s Cube journey, get Pandora (who appears to be invincible, by the way).  Escort mission, break her out of a dunk tank, falling blades, a horde of enemies, etc.  At the end of it, Daedman writes you a love letter with his hands bound…he’s good.  Oh, as you’re walking, Pandora waxes poetic about her dad Heph and Kratos gets all sentimental about parenthood.  Lost somewhere in there is the fact that KRATOS JUST KILLED HEPHAESTUS A FEW SCENES AGO!!!

Time to raise the cube up to Olympus, which means hitting the three kings in the back of the head.  After fighting off numerous strong and annoying foes along the way.  Break the chain, turn a crank, cutscene of Rubik’s cube wrecking Olympus.  Now for your WTF moment: Pandora wants to jump into the flame and Kratos once more turns softie and instead wants to bake cupcakes and attend PTA meetings for Pandora.  Fight with Zeus, pandora takes the opportunity to jump into the flame.  Pandora’s box turns out to be empty.  Zeus mocks him.  Save point.

Another Zeus fight and the formerly-presumed-dead Gaia shows up.  This shows you how slow my brain had been working all this time.  In the beginning of the game one of the first real puzzles you had to solve was near her onyx-protected heart.  Having her hand chopped off like Luke and falling down the side of a mountain didn’t seem to kill her, even as Cronus lamented over her supposed death.

I start cestus-bashing the heart, Zeus shows up, fight happens, he gets all split-personality and all seven of him gang up to kill me.  Screw that, I said.  Time for bed.

More spoilers…attach your own disclaimer accordingly.

When I last left Kratos, I had dropped him off at the cake-and-ice-cream shop for some much needed R&R.  However, It seems he’s still upset about the whole ‘revenge on Zeus’ stuff.  You know, I guess cake and ice cream DOESN’T solve everything.  Thus the game continues –

I did the Aphrodite quick-time-event mini-game a few times — for the red orbs, kids, the red orbs.  I have many weapons to power-up and couldn’t pass up the red orbs.

Then there was that talk with Hephaestus that I was pseudo-dreading.  Heph asks Kratos about A-Ditty and Kratos brushes it off and gets back to the task at hand.  Very focused, this guy.  No incriminating text-messages, no press conferences, no public apologies, just gets on with it.

I’m sure Heph was still a bit miffed when he sent Kratos off to go find some specific rock in Tartarus.  Eventually Kratos spots Cronos giving Gaia a high-five. (confirming that Gaia is now dead)  Neat battle with Cronos follows with more god-climbing (though nothing like the A-Ditty god-climbing) and some nice brutality.   Weird how his zits ooze out living creatures.  Found the rock in his belly, and then eventually brainstabbed him with the sword.  He was all “you got what you wanted, now leave me be!”  One more round of cake and ice cream and Kratos might have just let it slide but no, he still has anger issues and only stabby stabby seems to help with that.  Cronos is perma-404.

Kratos takes the rock back to Heph, he makes a whip out of it, hands it over, and proceeds to shock Kratos with it.  I know — some guys just hold grudges for too damn long.  Lamest boss-fight ensues and Heph is killed in I’m guessing under two minutes.

Kratos goes to meet up with Ditty again for more red orbs.  After that, I head outside and the disembodied voice of Athena informs me that…wait for it…the Nemesis whip thingy allows me to do FORCE-LIGHTNING!!!  About damn time.

Platforming on some bridges, into some other room where Daedalus left a note saying he traded favors with Zeus to get his kid Icarus back. (intentional pun, though I never did play that NES game).  I hop around and flap my ‘borrowed’ wings a few times for the sake of irony.

And this is around where I left off.  Some portals, a ballista, oodles of goodies, and two chests hanging from the roof.  I’ve managed to pick up the other goodies but haven’t quite figured out how to handle the last two yet.  I went on ahead to see Hera’s garden maze but am hoping I can restore back to a save-point so I can get those chests ’cause right now, it’s all about the red orbs and loot.