Archive for the ‘Prose’ Category

25
Apr

Agriculture for 8th Grade Minds

   Posted by: Allan

When certain things confounded me beyond my limited mental capacity, I often turned to the wisdom of the parental figures that guided me along from childhood to adulthood. However, when querying the television for answers yielded no results, I was forced to ask the all-knowing Internet this slightly awkward question: “Father, where do baby fruits and vegetables come from?”

To save you young folks the hassle of having this conversation with your parental figures and to save parental figures from the embarrassment of having to explain this to your children, I will take it upon myself to explain plant reproduction in a manner that young people can understand. If you are a parental figure, you might want to tune out now or you may be shocked to find out what your kids already know about “the birds and the bees.”

The Sex Pistils:

According to wikipedia, the female reproductive part of a flower (hereby referred to as “her thingy”) is called a Gynoecium. In the plant world, being female carries with it a certain style and stigma. No, seriously, those are actual names of components for her thingy.

Making a stamen:

The male reproductive part of a flower is called a stamen (hereby referred to as “his thingy”). The long shaft is called a filament. On the filament’s tip is something called the anther, also known as the pollen sac. Now keep in mind that in the plant kingdom, the sac is at the TIP of the shaft, not the base. Got it?

Pollen, of course, is that powdery substance that a lot of people are allergic to. Sometimes wind carries pollen around, seemingly straight up your nose, and your immune system goes into overdrive. This small powdery “pollen” thing that gets all over your clothes, skin, face, and up your nose is actually plant spooge. You see, little baby fruits and vegetables happen when the mommy and daddy part of the plant really love each other and spooge from his thingy makes contact with the spooge receptors in her thingy. Got that?

Well, hang on, it gets weirder.

A lot of plant types have flowers that contain both a male and a female part. These hermaphrodites are referred to as “perfect flowers” because they can “get pregnant” by fscking themselves. Other plants like zucchini have separate male flowers and female flowers and getting the spooge from his thingy into her thingy requires a bit more help.

Let me explain further since I’m sure this all seems a bit confusing right now. Actually, think about it for a second – plant parts don’t usually move much. They just lay there doing nothing. So if you’re, say, a vegetable, how do you make magic happen? You’d do it the way pandas in the zoo do it – you get others to help you.

In the case of “perfect flowers,” the spooge doesn’t have to travel much so sometimes even a slight breeze is enough to shake the spooge from his thingy and into hers. This means that a hermaphrodite flower can get pregnant from a blow-job. There, I said it. For tomatoes grown inside greenhouses where breezes do not occur, people often shake the plants themselves or with devices called “vibrators.” No, this is not a joke – Hermie plants can get pregnant with the use of a vibrator!

For non-hermie “imperfect flowers,” pollination is a bit trickier. Many flowers offer something sweet in order to attract insects (usually bees). As the bees harvest this nectar, they can’t help but rub up against his thingy and get plant spooge all over their hair. When they subsequently visit a female flower, some of the spooge rubs off of their body and into her thingy. Keep in mind the next time you enjoy honey on your toast that your sweet-tooth had just been satisfied by bees, nature’s spooge bucket.

To recap, this article briefly discussed plant reproductive anatomy terminology with words like pistils, stamens, and pollen. This article also discussed the topical differences between perfect and imperfect flowers and the different ways that pollination occurs. Most of all, I hope this article has given you a new perspective into the the reproductive habits of fruits and vegetables. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a Q-Tip so I can jerk off a zucchini.

(Note: This article uses the term “spooge” 9 times. 10 if you count the previous sentence.)

At the end of season one, Gaia had all but conquered The Garden for herself, leaving me with a tomato and bell pepper plant surrounded  by her troops.

Maybe it was the warmth of the sun as I stood outside looking at all that was left of my garden.  There was something within me that refused to capitulate even as Gaia cast wave after wave of  “Allergio” spells at me.  I took a trip to the General Store and  purchased a “Trowel + 1″ which the cash register identified as something called a “Shovel.”  I also got the least expensive pair of leather gloves.  If I was going to
reclaim my territory, I needed better tools.

With the shovel, I leveled up the old trowel-based attack called  “Dig” and with the gloves, I gained +1 physical defense which  greatly lessened the self-damage that occasionally comes when doing  “Pull Weeds.”

As I made progress in clearing out Gaia’s army by digging and  pulling weeds, I realized that while I had improved my physical defense and damage, I completely neglected my Elemental Resistance.    Helios’ “Solar Gaze” took its toll on my Endurance and I had to go indoors to regain END and HP.

With land reclaimed, I called a truce with Gaia.  She reluctantly agreed to half of the fenced area to quarter her troops while I cultivated my half.  Since her troops bring pollinating insects into  The Garden, I thought it would be mutually beneficial to grant her an army base.

Helios, whose power determines the fates of Gaia’s weeds as well as those of my crops, got to do whatever the hell he wanted.  Arrogant bastard.

For Season Two, our returning cast of Zucchini, Bell Pepper, and Tomato now join two additional zucchinis, six new tomato plants and six bibb lettuces.   Also joining the troops this season are a new basil along with rosemary in a planter.  As an attempt to repel certain insect horde rushes, I have also planted marigolds at the border between Gaia’s troops and my leafy minions.

Coming up on the next episode of The Garden [RTS] — “Agriculture for 8th Grade Minds”

20
Mar

God of War III — Day 5 (In The End…)

   Posted by: Allan

Endgame discussion — SPOILERS!!!

Let’s see if I can remember exactly how this all ended…

I finish the Zeus fight and go stabby stabby like a good Kratos, impaling Zeus into Gaia’s heart in a two-for-one deal.  Things fall down all around and Kratos regains consciousness next to a sword-pinned Zeus.  Kratos pulls the sword out and walks away.  We could have ended the story here and I’d have been happy.

However, Zeus goes into spirit form and goes after Mr. K — I’m asked to tap on the circle button but I die anyway.

Everything is dark and I’m suddenly playing a really really slow version of “This Is Your Life.”  Artistic storytelling recap of the previous games all the way back to Pandora, who does her Jesse Jackson impression.  After a long walk and swim, you’re back against Zeus, first-person style.  Short battle, then asked to tap circle to bash Zeus’ head in.  As Kratos pounds on Zeus’ face, the blood splatter covers the screen.  Circle button cue continues to be visible…I keep pressing circle.  Still going…and by this time I’m wondering if the game glitched on me.  The wife, who was watching this part, suggested I stop.  I do, and so does Kratos.  Yay me!  This could have been ending numero dos.

Athena shows up and asks for the power of Pandora back.  This is when we realize that when Kratos opened Pandora’s box the first time (first GOW), all the evil things within affected the gods while Kratos took ‘hope’ into himself.  It wasn’t so much vengeance as it was hope that he was drawing his determination from.  Anyway, Athena asks for the hope back.  Kratos looks at the sword says the line “my vengeance is…” [something] and stabs…himself…releasing hope into the world.  Athena goes “that was supposed to be for me!!!  they don’t know what to do with it!”  Athena walks away, credits roll.  This could have been ending numero tres.

At the end of the credits, we go back to the scene of Kratos’ suicide…except he goes Boba Fett on us by showing a blood trail all the way to the cliff-side of the mountain but no body.  No confirmed death.

Enter the potential God of War IV — “Killed ‘Em All and Back For More”

Now looking into completing the challenges, as well as starting over (probably in easy mode) to mop up some of the trophies and items that I’ve missed.  Looking at the online guides for input…it doesn’t look like I get to keep all my powers when I start over like I was able to in the prior GOW games.  Also, it appears trophies won’t be available if I turn on the bonus items.  Bummer all.  Then there are the bonus videos they supplied, which I haven’t gotten to yet.

And there you have it, my thoughts on playing God of War III.

20
Mar

God of War III — Day 4

   Posted by: Allan

more spoilers…

Hera’s hedge maze was well made.  It took my tired, sleep-deprived brain a while to figure that whole mess out.  Before anything else, let me take this moment to finally mention something that I seem to have failed to bring up in all my previous posts: WTF IS UP WITH THE PANDORA PLOTLINE?  I guess we’re going for the father-child angle again, and it does seem a little tacked on.  It’s like Kratos goes from vengeance-vengeance-vengeance to “save the kittens” all of a sudden.

Heph talked a lot about Pandora, and was very protective of her.  He was trying to gain Kratos’ sympathy since he can relate to having a daughter.  I thought Mr. Bad-ass was over that by now since it’s all about Zeus with him these days.  At Hera’s hedge maze, she taunts him and tries to hit him a couple of times but he wanted nothing to do with her…until she starts trashing Pandora.  Kratos gets pissed and kills Hera.  No quick-time event, no blade swinging, nothing.  Just a cutscene where Kratos kills Hera.  The body comes in handy in the puzzle room, too!

A day ago, maybe, I’ve come to realize that the game just starts throwing more enemies at you.  Many times, I’ve heard myself saying “please let that be the last of them” as I nurse my sliver of a health bar.  I mention this because the next section on the way to the labyrinth becomes a hack and slashfest.  Having to use Helios to light the way added to the immersion factor.  Seeing MANY scorpions in the distance was disheartening at times.  Hack, slash, jump — giant scorpion.  Power up that cestus, guys, the game requires you to use it.  Scorpion dies after a long dance and flying mini game.

We meet Daedalus who’s still hoping Zeus keeps his kid Icarus alive.  I could’ve sworn I killed that kid in the previous game and I have the wings to prove it…but Daedman doesn’t know that.  Twisty-turny Rubik’s Cube journey, get Pandora (who appears to be invincible, by the way).  Escort mission, break her out of a dunk tank, falling blades, a horde of enemies, etc.  At the end of it, Daedman writes you a love letter with his hands bound…he’s good.  Oh, as you’re walking, Pandora waxes poetic about her dad Heph and Kratos gets all sentimental about parenthood.  Lost somewhere in there is the fact that KRATOS JUST KILLED HEPHAESTUS A FEW SCENES AGO!!!

Time to raise the cube up to Olympus, which means hitting the three kings in the back of the head.  After fighting off numerous strong and annoying foes along the way.  Break the chain, turn a crank, cutscene of Rubik’s cube wrecking Olympus.  Now for your WTF moment: Pandora wants to jump into the flame and Kratos once more turns softie and instead wants to bake cupcakes and attend PTA meetings for Pandora.  Fight with Zeus, pandora takes the opportunity to jump into the flame.  Pandora’s box turns out to be empty.  Zeus mocks him.  Save point.

Another Zeus fight and the formerly-presumed-dead Gaia shows up.  This shows you how slow my brain had been working all this time.  In the beginning of the game one of the first real puzzles you had to solve was near her onyx-protected heart.  Having her hand chopped off like Luke and falling down the side of a mountain didn’t seem to kill her, even as Cronus lamented over her supposed death.

I start cestus-bashing the heart, Zeus shows up, fight happens, he gets all split-personality and all seven of him gang up to kill me.  Screw that, I said.  Time for bed.

19
Mar

God of War III — Day 3

   Posted by: Allan

Late night so I didn’t get a chance to get through as much as I would have liked to.

More spoilers…attach your own disclaimer accordingly.

When I last left Kratos, I had dropped him off at the cake-and-ice-cream shop for some much needed R&R.  However, It seems he’s still upset about the whole ‘revenge on Zeus’ stuff.  You know, I guess cake and ice cream DOESN’T solve everything.  Thus the game continues –

I did the Aphrodite quick-time-event mini-game a few times — for the red orbs, kids, the red orbs.  I have many weapons to power-up and couldn’t pass up the red orbs.

Then there was that talk with Hephaestus that I was pseudo-dreading.  Heph asks Kratos about A-Ditty and Kratos brushes it off and gets back to the task at hand.  Very focused, this guy.  No incriminating text-messages, no press conferences, no public apologies, just gets on with it.

I’m sure Heph was still a bit miffed when he sent Kratos off to go find some specific rock in Tartarus.  Eventually Kratos spots Cronos giving Gaia a high-five. (confirming that Gaia is now dead)  Neat battle with Cronos follows with more god-climbing (though nothing like the A-Ditty god-climbing) and some nice brutality.   Weird how his zits ooze out living creatures.  Found the rock in his belly, and then eventually brainstabbed him with the sword.  He was all “you got what you wanted, now leave me be!”  One more round of cake and ice cream and Kratos might have just let it slide but no, he still has anger issues and only stabby stabby seems to help with that.  Cronos is perma-404.

Kratos takes the rock back to Heph, he makes a whip out of it, hands it over, and proceeds to shock Kratos with it.  I know — some guys just hold grudges for too damn long.  Lamest boss-fight ensues and Heph is killed in I’m guessing under two minutes.

Kratos goes to meet up with Ditty again for more red orbs.  After that, I head outside and the disembodied voice of Athena informs me that…wait for it…the Nemesis whip thingy allows me to do FORCE-LIGHTNING!!!  About damn time.

Platforming on some bridges, into some other room where Daedalus left a note saying he traded favors with Zeus to get his kid Icarus back. (intentional pun, though I never did play that NES game).  I hop around and flap my ‘borrowed’ wings a few times for the sake of irony.

And this is around where I left off.  Some portals, a ballista, oodles of goodies, and two chests hanging from the roof.  I’ve managed to pick up the other goodies but haven’t quite figured out how to handle the last two yet.  I went on ahead to see Hera’s garden maze but am hoping I can restore back to a save-point so I can get those chests ’cause right now, it’s all about the red orbs and loot.