Well they woke me ’round mid afternoon and my head hurt the most.
I remember being kidnapped at a rally by its power-hungry host.
If games are like movies, my memories are films about ghosts
I could never escape even as I freefall down the coast
I knew an idiot who walked the tightrope for fortune and fame
he was an acrobat swinging trapezes but that story was lame.
If you’ve ever hung out with little boys,
the press makes your life full of shame.
And though he’ll never forgive Two-Face sometimes
I wish he didn’t know my name.

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

Well there’s a piece of my parents in every criminal sting
and the price of a memory is repaid by the justice it brings
but there’s always one more murderer to take down and one last batarang
and the last one out of the city has to lock up everything
or the inmates will get out and fill all of Gotham with dread
while Harley’s sorrowful sobbing is still lingering in my head
and the goons and the junkies disbelieve whatever they’ve read
What’s left for a sequel when my favorite villain is dead?

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

All the blue ice reflections that color Vic’s mind when he sleeps
and the business-sense distractions that accompany the company I keep
Nigma’s razor-wit taunting that cuts just a little too deep
Hey I can dream as well as anyone but Dr. Crane can’t help me sleep
So I shoot my grapnel gun into the air and it catches some beams
for a brief interruption of a question-mark grabbing scheme
Well I can’t say I knew that you weren’t quite who you seemed
So I was surprised to find out
that Karlo played Joker on that final movie screen.

Hey, Mr. Napier, don’t die
Hey, Mr. Napier, I know why
but hey, Mr. Napier, please don’t die on me.

When the Clown Prince of Crime shattered the antidote on the floor
there wasn’t another
and I wondered what he did that for
I still was not sure because he had been dead before
but I carried his body with grief as I walked out the door.
You once lived on a desert planet featuring a pair of stars
and drove past Jabba’s palace to be disliked at some seedy Spaceport bar
and you followed Kenobi after selling off your uncle’s old car
and after taking down the emperor, you became a great voice-acting star
and after taking down the emperor, you became a great voice-acting star

Hey, Mr. Napier, I’m quite touched
but hey Mr. Napier, it’s too much
so hey Mr. Napier, please don’t sing to me.
Hey Mr. Napier, please don’t sing to me.
Hey Mr. Hamill, stay for Arkham 3?

On a chair that’s broken
with tv blocked by becca
caps are my dinero
the load times take forever

found the new Sinatra
and since I crafted here
I can make stuff anywhere
(I fast travel everywhere)

I used to hang in Goodsprings
Hola to the Powder Gangers
outskirts of New Vegas
dance with Elvis dopplegangers

Quickly, to my stash spot
Three-Eight Vegas Crew
Catch me in the kitchen
like Cook Cook makin’ Fiend Stew

Roll Hidden Valley
Power Armor
Brothers want Veronica
Y’all better not harm ‘er

Head to Tops for bad guys
Home of that boy Benny
Got to ice the bastard
’cause the asshole shot at me

Pulled trigger, see ya
I’ll keep Maria
Down at Freeside
They give me meds for free (yeah)

The Van Graffs are freaked out
I won’t turn in Cassidy
’cause they gave me attitude
and I’m most definitely from…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

I made you hot, Caesar!

Catch me shooting posers
dressed as Romans at a Legion camp
Gather Prime Decanus Helmets,
mint condition ’cause I can.

I’ve also met with Big Blue,
hacking at his crypto
but my companions are still welcome
at his crib though

Welcome to McCarran Camp
Contreras out there selling drugs
Dude will sell you ulra jet
Home of 1st Recon

NCR, Caravans,
Raider Fiends, shoot ‘em back
Courier delivers death
just like he’s shooting down some desert rats

8 million shots fired,
some damage taken
try running away
but half of y’all won’t make it

Shoot my .38 Special
and it’s custom made
If HELIOS ain’t fixed by noon,
Mr. Fantastic won’t get paid

Beat up a centurion
Three Card Bounty
Kill the three fiends
and report back to Dhatri

White Glove Society,
down with the slave trade,
Long live The King’s dog
Found him a new dog brain in…

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

Rads are blinding
Bright’s church blinder
want to meet up with the sun quick,
they flat-liners

ghouls are casualties
who lose their minds casually
then gradually become worse.

You can’t stay at Bison Steve.
Hike up to Jacobstown,
chill, stay a while
and when the banter gets old
just blow the nightkin out

The Legion is bad –
they be killing on a whim.
Papa Khan’s gone mad,
you gotta talk to him.

Sweetie used to work strip
Got strung up on buff-out,
Everybody on her,
just like a train route,

Hail Mary, the buggy game
breaks immersion.
With my broken save file
life sucks if I start again

Came for revenge,
light’s amber on the hard drive,
Wallpaper rotates
some posters in marquee lights

The NCR got you
feeling like a champion,
Lanius never sleeps
Let this bullet be his Ambien

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

You could’ve been mayor, you saved the city
street drugs, big bling, neck deep in kitty
all the world can be yours if you grow a pair
Let the plasma crackle air, everybody say yeah!
come on, come on

Vegas!!!
Concrete wasteland where dreams are broken
there’s nothing you can do
You’re in New Vegas!!!
House robot upgrades are brand new
The old guy will watch you
Let’s hear it for Vegas, Vegas, Vegas

I saved the world last night, you guys.
You can thank me later.
A giant snake tried to eat the moon.
On the darkest day of the year, no less!
I went outside and banged pots and pans together.
I yelled to scare the snake away
and I succeeded!
I’ll be wanting that parade in my honor,
maybe a holiday around this time in my name.

What, you’re telling me that my ridiculous
claims based on superstition have been debunked
by perfectly sound scientific explanations
thus rendering my absurd belief system
obsolete and counter-productive?
Well, never mind then.
Merry Christmas, everyone!

This is not a happy poem.
This was not a happy year.
Despite well-wishes from a year before,
more instinctive greeting than sincere,
this “prospero ano felicidad,” this “happy new year”
this violent assault of love, rage, and fear
yet here we stand, survivors all,
bruised, defeated, grieving those we have lost.

One foot forward, then the other
in a walk, a march, a stride,
a dance against this syncopated rhythm,
against that which pushes us backwards.
We do more than resist.  We do not merely hold ground,
we overcome.
We overcome not because we are strong,
not because of our resilience,
not because of any imaginary or arbitrary power.
We overcome because WE can define victory

We look to the heavens on its darkest night
and we remember Pandora, we remember hope.
We remember those who do not have this night
as we join the countless who do.
We look to the heavens, we meet the darkness,
and we win.

Dark and starless night, weary warrior red and grey
Looking past death and decay with eyes that know the darkest mortal soul
Gliding through the hills, taking flight on borrowed quills,
The emptiness your anger fills, the wife and child that perished by your hand

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

Dark and starless night, forger’s flames that brightly blaze
Fills the room in violet haze reflecting on the marble’s pallid hue
The past is changing you — on a field of amber grain
All your fear and all your pain are soothed by your beloved’s loving hand

Try to understand — all this hope was meant for me
How we suffered for your vanity, how I tried to set you free
You did not listen, you did not know how.  I’m afraid it’s too late now.

I always stood by you because your heart was true
And when only hope was left inside on that dark and starless night
You took your life as warriors sometimes do
But I could have told you, Kratos,
This world was never meant to have the hope you had in you.

Dark and starless night, statues stand in empty halls
Headless frames and heedless calls — a man whose sins relived with deep regret
All the souls that you had met — This vengeful god, this Spartan Ghost
Who could not wake their deep repose, could not erase the pain of long ago

I can never know what your eyes convey to me –
How Pandora offered clarity, how forgiveness set you free
All the gods are dead and the world is still –
There was one left to kill.

I thought I knew myself, I thought I knew it all –
Self-assured and confident while walking down the mall
But what is he thinking?  What does he see?
Why is the dancing monkey staring at me?

Does he understand applause and does he even care?
How does he keep cool underneath all of that hair?
Attention seems to validate him — wouldn’t you agree?
But none of that explains why the monkey stares at me.

I can see that he is wired as well as wireless
Dancing still, carefree and careless
He must think he’s writing Shakespeare with all that technology
But why must the dancing monkey stare at me?

The very purpose in his monkey brain
is not to inform but to entertain
and thus I find this all a stunt disguised as study
as I walk past the misguided monkey staring at me.

Handing out pain with his fingers
Ending their lives with his swords
Killing them swiftly with his blades
Killing them swiftly with his blades
Tearing their whole lives with his swords
Killing them swiftly with his blades

I heard about this Spartan,
his awesome fighting style
and so I picked up this game
to play it for a while
and there he was in combat
tearing a cyclops’ eye

He was this tortured reaver,
so lonely in a crowd
He shreds them all like lettuce
and yells his lines out loud.
His life bar they diminished
but he kept fighting on

His fate depended on me,
which fueled a deep despair.
His last fight was with some god
with orange-colored hair
and though he gained forgiveness
he knows he had done wrong

This very weak mage
begrudgingly succumbs to
bullshit ninjitsu

This is my blood stain
three steps from where a note read
“Beware of ambush”

Quickly forgotten –
that arrow through your forehead
thanks to my Thief’s Ring

When this lady says
“touch the demon inside me,”
I suggest you do.

The sticky white stuff
is not what you think it is,
you filthy bastard!

A small oversight –
Gecko hides behind vendor
no stabby stabby!

In this distant land,
there are stingrays in the air.
I miss Steve Irwin

After many deaths
there is no ounce of remorse
sniping Flame Lurker

Eighteen thousand souls
taken by a skeleton
around the corner

Thirty thousand souls
lost by rolling off a cliff
Meh, I’ll farm it back

Renewed confidence –
Three arrows and a reaper:
I can has more souls?

This poem was inspired by a character in a book called “Ring Dragonz” written by my brother-in-law Mister Rengerz. SPOILER ALERT — if you haven’t read the book and don’t want to read any possible plot spoilers, don’t read the poem at the end of this post. In any case, head over to ringdragonz.com for more on the awesome book.

Ping’s Lament

Somewhere in a distant dream
a lifetime lived against the stream
I tried to calm each fearful scream

Years of sorrow passing by –
The others here before Anne Mai
I wept as I was forced to watch them die

To dry the tears of countless eyes
to banish the evil I despise
I gave my life in sacrifice

Now here I stand, dear maker-king
who made me and the dragon’s ring
Is there room in your home for Ping?

Enchanted brick of your design
who did the work of the divine –
Is the reward of Heaven mine?

From earth and clay I was wrought
born from my creator’s thought
a pawn in someone else’s plot?

I implore you, my soul momentarily revive
I need to know — did they survive?
Is my friend Anne Mai alive?

It breaks my heart to hear you when
you say Enchanted Bricks are not like Man
when I just want to see her smile again.

You and all your friends
unconscious after a brawl
Boo ya! I’m Batman

Warden’s DNA
leaves a trail I must follow
Eww, Gross! I’m Batman

Those Goth Girls are hot!
Check out Harley and Ivy –
Aww yea, I’m Batman

Nigma hiding stuff
in places I can’t reach yet.
Come on! I’m Batman!!

Enough with the vents
Why can’t I blow up a door,
damn it? I’m Batman!

Hallucinogen
Reliving the tragic past.
Mom, dad, I’m Batman

Psychotherapy
Cannot contain my madness –
The Clown Prince of Crime