PC Tonner in the 909
I said PC Tonner in the 909
Yo, I need everyone to right-click your recycling bins
because PC Tonner is about to take out the trash.
You’ve got the rhyming skills of Barry Allen in a trench coat.
You’re like the Commander In Chief when he’s sounding out “My Pet Goat”
You’re not a fan of The Eagles? What’s wrong with you?
You’ve got school kids protesting on Allen Avenue.
You wrote a book on my town from A to Z
and somehow failed to mention me?
I know, right, how could he?
Unless he’s Spadra crazy, which he could be
but does that mean he deserves the wrath of the PC?
I don’t know, maybe.
You were born on Pi Day and you took it as a sign
to try all the pies at Flo’s at the same time.
Man, you could have been Einstein
but the Frisbee pie plates weren’t far out like they were for Calvin Klein.
You write about dead people —
You’re like R.L. Stine
I mean you give people goosebumps —
You put the zero in the 909
and that would’ve been just fine then your book drops
and like Carrot Top at his funniest, you gave me no props
Now my words defy the Metrolink ’cause I’m pulling out all the stops
‘fore I get arrested for public intoxication like in that old show, Cops.
I supported both sides of the temperence fight —
I be drinking everyday and doing Molly every night
So while I’m a dead man living the life,
I can’t just sit by and let this slide —
that slight hurt my pride and now I’m dead inside
and my rhymes will cut while my voice gets loud
I’MMA HURT YOU LIKE IT HURTS TO READ POMONA PROUD!
You use all the characters on a keyboard, colon included.
You pulled that article out of someplace secluded
“Biggest Beatdown Ever Handed” reads the headline in a giant font —
It’ll be the subject of a controversial mural during Christmas in Claremont.
Take it from me, you’ve got to be P.C. with what you do and say
and for Ganesha’s sake, don’t ever celebrate by handing out blankets on
Some of these hit below the belt — I hope you wore a cup.
I just dropped my two cents so you can pick them up.
There once was a goddess Pomona
who was so hot she gave me a …
Screw it, let me step away from this limerick.
I’m gonna make this very painful and it won’t be quick.
Hi, my name is Tonner and I’m a PC but please see
that while I’m PC, I’m also a Mac
and a Mac on attack can hit like a Mack Truck
or the Union Pacific if I keep you on track —
You say you’re a goddess? That’s absurd
’cause when I asked around,
ain’t nobody I know has heard of you. Not one clue.
You’re Roman? What, the Greeks outsource you too?
Nevermind that now —
would you be a sweet Senorita
and use some of that fruit and make me a margarita?
Patrick, you’re drunk. Go home.
That’s what they should have put on your tombstone.
You’re a mortal, I’m a goddess. I’m not worried ’cause I’ve got this.
I’ll beat you from your house on 5th to the Phillips Mansion
and shove my marble foot up your Tonner Canyon.
So you see, I’m not about to raise the alarms
for the guy on the front of a box of Lucky Charms.
You’re a lawyer, teacher, poet, realtor —
You’re not a renaissance man, you need a guidance counselor
to help you decide what you want to be when you grow up
or at least come at me with better rhymes than what you’ve thrown up.
Man, you were on both sides of prohibition, show some contrition.
Better yet, you need intercession ’cause you’ve just been dissected —
This here’s vivisection. You don’t mess with a goddess, I’m tired of debates —
to reboot this PC, I’ve got Solomon Gates.
That retort was a disaster. You say you’re marble but you crumble like plaster.
Speaking of Gates, did you ever pay the poor bastard?
He can’t hurt me ’cause like Jackie Chan, I’m the Drunken Master.
I can go from whimsical to satirical, from metaphorical to literal
and when I speak all metaphysical your blank stare is clearly quizzical.
The society, hysterical — my laughter, maniacal — but before we hit critical
with evidence empirical, with these words rhythmic and lyrical
I better slow this down ’cause battle rapping Goddesses is unnatural.
You’re going to kick my ass when it’s all done?
With which foot, the big one or the small one?
You’re not a flawless copy, you’ve got a glaring blunder.
Who the hell is Cipriani, the Italian Stevie Wonder?
You brought a cornucopia to a rap battle. I brought thunder
and you’ll be deafened when an entire city is compelled to applaud
when I take down their goddess with an elephant god.
I’m not scared of you and I’m not scared of Dumbo either.
I’ve been more intimidated by a Walmart greeter.
Diss my feet, you better check your pulse
You’ll get a boot to the head from both Biggie AND Smalls
And I’ll kick your McNuggets, take my time, no need to hurry
you’re the only guy I know who puts bourbon in a McFlurry.
Are you paying attention? Are you even conscious?
Last time I saw a beating this bad, it was sentenced by Pontious.
I want it to be known and perfectly understood
that before you got here, you got yourself kicked out of the priesthood
and I’m sure we all want to know what went on in your head
did you leave for your principles or are you like Michael and Jared?
Allegedly. That’s not character assassination, I’m just asking
if this is the kind of stuff you like to call multi-tasking
’cause there is nowhere to hide, we’ve just watched your unmasking.
Yo soy Don Ricardo de Clan Vejar
Anyone try to battle, te va a pagar.
Nacho, think you’re all hard when you’re stepping forth
what, now you’re like Tacho Into the Beautiful North
but ain’t nothin wrong with your rainbow connection
you just gotta quit with this land grab obsession
I’ve got a verbal gun to your head just waiting for the beat to stop
so I can pull the damn trigger and watch Iggy Pop.
Cállate Ricky, you got some splainin to do
Tischler showed me your tab, that’s a big IOU
I’ll take you up to the hills, you broke-ass Vejar
you’ll disappear from The View like your name was Joy Behar
Let’s see, there’s Santa, the Chupacabra, and the tooth fairy
Your legacy’s just like them, man, purely imaginary.
My house is historical. My name is on a cemetery.
Your rhymes are simply comical and sick like dysentery.
How are you gonna scare me with your clumsy words,
your name literally translates to a house for birds.
Your verse is perverse and I don’t fear your wrath
You’re name’s on a school where the kids suck at math.
You’ve got yourself a cemetery, that’s worth walking tall?
Let’s see how famous you are when they turn your tomb into a strip mall
We don’t have much time so let me put this to bed
We were the Dons of San Jose, you’re just the Don of the Dead
D.R.V. you so gangsta, I almost feel bad though
’cause when they ask where you from, you have to say San Diego
and seriously, man, how are you even in this battle
you’ve lost your home, your land, and all of your cattle.
Like that one guy in Upland, you’re like “where’s the beef?”
We were friends a long time, now you’re comic relief.
It took me a while but I just got why you called me Nacho
here’s a couple of bucks, go get some at Del Taco.
keeps me from posting
on a far away page
keeps me suppressing
all this ire and rage
I spend my time just keeping track
of all the wars that I’d wage
soon as they let me out of this
The mood just got sour
and someone’s ’bout to
feel the wrath of my power
quick, someone tell Matt Lauer
get the cameras here
they’ve got less than a half hour
’cause someone just offered me
a copy of “The Watchtower”
I was dumbfounded, witless
How the hell could she know
that I was Hova’s witness?
Jay-Z’s words like a right cross
from the science of sweetness —
So I lifted my voice
with a psalm of praise
and instead of a quote,
If you’re having faith problems
I feel bad for you, son.
I’ve got 99 problems
but your God ain’t one.